As I was trying to decide what I wanted to blog about this week, the topic of vulnerability kept creeping into my brain. I wanted nothing to do with this topic, so naturally, here we are. I have no idea what the outcome of this post will be, but here’s the truth: if this entire blog blows up in my face, oh well. Since my first Lifetime movie was written, fear of failure is laughable. I’ve survived worse.
I was listening to Oprah’s Super Soul podcast recently and heard one of her guests say that true bravery comes from being vulnerable while you’re going through the shit (in way prettier words). Anyone can talk about past experiences that they have overcome. Those stories are usually inspiring and hopeful and have a great message, and if that’s what you’re here looking for today, I’ll see you another time.
Today, I am not okay.
Inviting you into my hell while I’m still living it is a first for me. Sure, I’m honest and open about my personal life most of the time…but only after the shitstorm has subsided. Right now, I am in the middle of a Category 5 hurricane, Folks, and I’m the weatherman standing outside in front of the camera like he’s got something to prove talking about it.
Beauty is found in the midst of this hurricane nightmare, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate and understand life on a level I didn’t know existed, but just because there is beauty found in shattered stained glass doesn’t mean that it can be pieced back together. I am so grateful for life, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that mine was almost taken from me, and I need to deal with the aftermath that comes from that experience. Being grateful for life doesn’t just heal or override the emotional, mental, and physical trauma of almost losing it. This nightmare is not about to turn into a fairytale.
With that being said, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to cope right now, but I’m surviving by living my life in week-long increments. “I just have to get through this next week.” “We don’t have court this week.” “I am getting out of town this week.” “Maybe this will be my first full week back at work.”
Here is a synopsis of this last week. Sunday started out pretty normal until about midmorning when I was triggered by something so minute. The panic attack took its way on into the night as I was in the middle of folding laundry when I fell to the floor, curled up in the fetal position, and cried. I couldn’t handle it anymore.
Monday was spent doing a lot of self-care. I didn’t care to function on any level, and no adult chores were accomplished that day, but it didn’t matter. I had to take care of myself.
Tuesday, he had court. These are the hardest days for me. I only saw him for about 10 minutes, but every week that I have to enter the courthouse sets me back so much. Anytime I have to see him is a huge setback for me. I had yet to cry after any of the court hearings this past month and a half, but that night, I sat on my bedroom floor and cried. I felt the emotions more than the fear for the first time since August 19th.
Wednesday night, I couldn’t sleep. I was determined to have a good day Thursday, so I got up early since I couldn’t sleep anyway and spent more time than normal on my hair and makeup. (See the self-care trend?) At about 9:30 in the morning, I got a sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen that would not go away. After a couple of hours, the pain eventually made its way into my back. The pain was constant and finally at about 1:30 I gave up and went home for the day. I’m assuming it’s an ulcer from the stress of life lately and the fact that my body still feels like it’s in survival mode.
I am not me. I am disconnected. I’m in a fog. I don’t feel normal. I’m on edge. I’m grateful, but I’m not okay. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m confused. I feel betrayed. I’m irritable. I’m scared. I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m nauseous. I’m dizzy. I’m drained. I’m on the verge of crying. My mind doesn’t stop racing. I can’t focus.
This is me being 100% raw with you. I’m not sharing this for pity. I’m sharing this to give you a glimpse into my truth. I’m sharing this because I want people to know they aren’t alone. I’m sharing this because I want people that are going through shit, no matter what it is, to know that I’m right there with you. I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay. Recognize the emotions and deal with them; just don’t let them paralyze you. You have to get up and finish folding the laundry, eventually. Remember that every new shitty week is better than the last shitty week, and it’s going to get better.