Losing Sleep

Merry Christmas! I hope this finds you well.

I woke up at 3:45 this morning for literally no reason, so with these extra vampire waking hours I have been so graciously blessed with, I thought I would stop by and say hello.

I’m doing well. Really, minus the fact that I don’t have an IV to direct the flow of coffee right into my bloodstream, I’m okay.

But seriously, my sleep routine has been out of whack for a few months now. My cousins got me a weighted blanket for Christmas, and it’s great, but my brain doesn’t work correctly…and I don’t think a blanket can fix that. It looks like this is going to be one of those weeks where I get 3-4 hours of sleep a night.

Anxiety is weird. And the more I blog, the more I realize how common it is. Most of the messages I receive concerning my blog are about people dealing with anxiety. Anxiety can be crippling. It’s crazy the places our brain can take us. But it helps (me) to feel less crazy knowing that other people deal with the same shit. I know that the irrational thoughts that practically paralyze me are absolutely absurd. But for some reason I still lose sleep over them. Why? How? WTF?

I’m not stupid.

But somehow my brain finds the small sliver of possibility that these crazy perceptions might come true (or are already true) and finds life in the rationalization. Thrives on the rationalization. Debilitating.

And then my body suffers the consequences of my brain’s irrational thought process. I lose sleep. I shake more than normal (fun fact:  I’m a very shaky person – thanks, Mom). My heart races. I cry for no reason other than having an overwhelming sensation of absolutely nothing. (I really hope you understand what I mean by that. I can’t explain it any other way.) My breathing gets shallow. I can’t concentrate. I have panic attacks. I get nauseous. What a mess.

And if you’re shaking your head like, “Yes, girl! I know the feeling!” I hope you get some comfort in knowing I’m right there with ya. I know it gives me comfort.

I know that stress can be a good thing. Even a motivational tool. But anxiety can hold us back from so much. There’s a fine line. And I don’t have a lot of life experience, yet, but I do know that these have got to be some of the most difficult years in trying to figure out how to deal with anxiety and life stressors. Because before I hit age 19, my biggest life concern was trying to figure out whose calculus homework I was going to copy before class started (I’m almost really sorry, Villar).

So anyway, this pot of coffee is almost gone. Instead of the black sky, the gray clouds are now visible where the sun would be. The dogs are still snoring. And I should go get started with my day. Talk soon.

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