Today was the first time I’ve cried for myself since that day. I think that because I live with such a huge mindset that self-pity gets you nowhere, I deny myself the feelings associated with what happened to me for fear that it will only drag me down.
But I need to feel the feelings. And honestly, it’s so hard when no one understands the pain that I’m going through. And that’s my fault. I haven’t let anyone see the pain because I’ve been denying it myself. When I do talk about what happened – it is strictly on a factual basis…almost like a lawyer describing the events that took place. No emotions are involved.
But even if I were to discuss the pain of going through this, not many people would understand. And I wouldn’t want them to. I’ve said it before, and I will continue to say it – I have such a great support system. But the fact is, it’s so lonely when no one can truly understand what it feels like to have your life flash before your fucking eyes as you think you are losing your life to the hands of another person… As someone describes to you what they are going to do with your dead body once they kill you… The look of pure evil that stares back at you as they remind you over and over that they are in fact going to kill you. The feeling of terror. Of helplessness.
I don’t let myself go there. I don’t let myself feel what I need to feel in order to heal. I just imagined that once I finally closed that chapter, and he was sentenced, I would magically be healed.
But the healing process has only just begun. I just truly hope that what I’m going through right now and what I’ve gone through this past year is going to somehow make sense one day. Because I feel so mentally weak and drained right now. I am very aware that I am a warrior, but today I feel defeated. And a lot of days since the sentencing have felt that way.
I’ve blamed everything for this feeling aside from what’s right in front of me. And while there may be some truth behind those excuses, I know I’m just playing tricks on myself. I know exactly why I feel the way that I do.
I’ve survived someone almost killing me, and I can’t keep talking about it like it was just another regular Sunday evening. I’ve got to find a way to deal with what happened to me.