Beautifully Broken

This blog post has nothing to do with the fact that it marks one year since I posted on my blog for the first time, but for some reason I feel it’s important to annotate this date. So let the record show that today marks the one year anniversary of me starting this..uhhh…situation.

Anyway, back to your regular scheduled programming (as promised) of the complexities that is my life…I don’t have it all together. It’s so important for you to know that. My goal for this blog was to expose the ugly struggles I face while in the thick of them in hopes of allowing others to relate to me on some level. This year especially has been one filled with humility, growth, and discomfort. I’ve been an absolute mess, but more importantly, I’ve been stronger than I ever thought imaginable (literally and figuratively). I have confronted fears I would have never dreamed of – like facing the man that almost took my life to tell my story. Like moving over 1,000 miles away from the only life I have ever known. Like openly sharing my deeply personal story with all of you. I never once backed down or shied away from the challenges this year presented. In fact, I dug deep, welcomed them, and showed myself and the world what I was capable of…and it’s just the beginning. It’s been ugly. It’s been unbearably uncomfortable. It’s been beautifully brutal. And I can put words together poetically to make my story sound inspiring, but that’s not how it felt at the time.

I felt like my world was suffocating me. The crippling anxiety kept me awake at night, and the seemingly endless depression paralyzed me into not leaving my home at times. I didn’t think that I would ever live a normal life again. But my life has become more than I could have ever imagined. It’s been so hard, but I have a spark inside my soul that wouldn’t have existed otherwise. I am walking proof that you get to choose how your past will impact your present. You have the power to decide if you will become a victim to your circumstances or overcome them and be the hero of your own story… A warrior if you will.

These past few months have been torturous yet strengthening. They have been brutal and ugly and humbling. They have been lonely. They’ve included unanticipated breakdowns in front of complete strangers. It’s included my closest family and friends reaching out to me to make sure I’m doing okay when I’ve gone radio silence. It’s included being forced in interact with people when all I felt like doing was watching Bob’s Burgers for the 100th time. It’s been people holding me up when I didn’t have the strength to stand. It’s been (Kim Kardashian level) ugly crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. Real and raw humility.

I’m still getting to know the woman staring in the mirror back at me. I am beginning to recognize her. I welcome her with open arms. I love her more and more as I get to know her. That’s been the biggest accomplishment this past year has given me. For the first time in my life, I love the beautifully broken person that I am. I’m loving myself through the process of healing. I know a lot of this is repetitive from past posts, but it’s a process for me (I’m a slow learner). I’m still growing into the person I am meant to become. And it’s still really hard…so just bare with me, and we will get through it together.

Almost losing my life put a fire inside my soul that I didn’t know existed. A part of that could be from this nitro cold brew I’m currently drinking, but regardless, I have a purpose, I have a vision, and I have a plan. I am pursuing unimaginable goals and wild dreams because I know that if I could fight….and win to save my own life, that I am capable of things so much bigger than myself. If God was on my side that day, He’s on my side today. Thank you for being apart of my story thus far. Thank you for supporting me and hearing me. There is so much more to come, and I hope you continue to be apart of the journey! With love, always.

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